I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
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One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”