This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
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If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*