My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
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dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.