911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
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My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Camping tip: No.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.