[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
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“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]