origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
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geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Happy Friday
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”