*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
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When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.