Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
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My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
This is my pinned tweet
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
is it earth
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.