I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
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Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
I would move hell over six inches for you
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today