Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
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Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance