I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
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An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Van Gone
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.