I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
You Might Also Like
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.