“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
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[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!