what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
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[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
#Caturday
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.