Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
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Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.