Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
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Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Education is vital
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.