If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
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A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.