Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
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the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Sounds like a bargain
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.