Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
You Might Also Like
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
remember
only for emergencies
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel