“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
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I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK