[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
You Might Also Like
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.