one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
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BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
This story is comedy gold 😂
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.