no regrets
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guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips