I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
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I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
when someone compliments me
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.