A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
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Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE