Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
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I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
584.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-