Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
You Might Also Like
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Lmao
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
*looks at you in batman voice*