what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
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Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this