[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
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I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
what’s really going on
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL