[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
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I did not eat the cake…
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
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Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving