plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
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Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
i did the math
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though