My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
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professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
That’s incredible! 👌
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.