“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
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MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.