My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
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I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Hot Hot Hot
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.