*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
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My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Sorry not sorry.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Hotels are back
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.