Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
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You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Every. Damn. Time.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.