Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
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Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Do not steal food from the science building!