doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
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Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Customize Your Wedding.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.