Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
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me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour