Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
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“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
What is going on? 😅
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Selfie
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?