Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
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Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”