my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
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I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…