Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
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Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
“No way.” -Jose
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.