*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
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me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Hot Panini is in big trouble
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.