pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
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My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Body by cheese-puffs.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Every BBC series about the universe.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]