You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
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I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”