Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
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when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me