In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
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Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.