COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
You learn something every day
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?