My dress code is business-casualty.
You Might Also Like
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
me
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.